4 July 2017

yardsticks

on the whole i love my job.
i get to sell stuff i believe in, talk to funny, sweet, inspiring, like-minded people {as well as some annoying ones, but knowing they'll leave again after a bit is great}, and never is one day the same as another. some things i have to do are routine, but there's never knowing when i get to do them... the people i work with are lovely as well, so i feel pretty grateful...

sometimes something happens to make me feel even more grateful... even though it may not seem so at first...

a few of the customers know about my EV hug {most have never heard of the guy, i've noticed...} because they've read this blog, or my FB post, and fewer still have referred to it. yesterday i got talking to someone i've known from the shop for a few years, and as a Reiki practitioner i've had a few personal chats with and some treatment from. she asked if i felt excited still. i answered yes. i then said that i also feel a bit silly about it. about what, she asked. about this adoring a bloke when i know that adoring others is silly. says who, she asked. says most people i read spiritual stuff from. and my ex. your ex? yes, but not just him... do you feel it's a childish thing? yup... so what? so everything... i was feeling a bit daft, talking to her by the dairy fridge, attempting to order yogurts and tofu. do you feel ashamed of feeling like this? she asked, kind of matter of fact... i felt i was a split second away from bawling my eyes out...

yes,
i feel ashamed...
i feel childish...
i feel pathetic for swooning over this guy, or other guys, for deep down still being the 19 year old who immersed herself into a world that only i was a part of, where no one judged me... where no one laughed at me, or thought i was an idiot or childish... where the likes of Eddie Vedder had time for me... for fuck's sake - i'm a 47 year old woman, mother of 4, with a marriage behind me... i have a job, i pay rent, and i own a car... i've lost my dad, which still feels awful, and i feel shit-scared of ever entering another relationship... and i swoon over a guy who's photo's of him as a 27 year old with long hair and shorts and DM's adorn my screensaver... a guy who hugged me, two weeks ago... a guy who made me feel amazing for a few days...

so yeah, i feel shame, for not being very mature... as defined by people like my ex. people i still seem to use as yardstick for my personal development... and i don't really know how to move on from that...

but at least i know what that feeling is now!




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