2 July 2015

sweet child of mine...

is is actually possible to genuinely be Yourself, as a grown-up?
can you really be your True Self, your Real You, the one that has been hidden under layers of stuff over the years?
is it an illusion to go back to the one you were supposed to be when you were a child, the You that is not a lie.......

these questions have been bugging me lately. i'm sure the answer is: Yes, if you try hard enough, or something like that.

how many of us are, as mature people?
aren't we all playing a game to belong, to fit in, to be accepted?
most of us i think have accepted the fact that Playing The Game is the most normal thing to do, and don't consider it an issue at all. sometimes i wish i was like that -- don't question my life, just live it and earn money and be in a relationship and be Normal... and if anybody asks, say i'm happy, or that i'm on my way to achieve happy. buy it, earn it, find it...

while i was talking to my colleagues the other day, i uttered the phrase: i wasn't raised to be a grown-up... and they looked at me baffled. well, one looked like she understood, the other {my boss} looked baffled... what did i mean? you're mid-forties, you have 4 kids, you have a household, a car, responsibilities - that is called being a grown-up... well, yeah, it can mean that... but in my eyes, a grown-up does these things and feels confident about their abilities, feels like it's what they're supposed to do, does it without questioning... they don't fritter away whole days daydreaming or write really long letters or draw or  paint or read books for hours or talk to friends about music or films or the Law of Attraction... they work, the sort out, they organise, they take charge... i don't...

well, i say that -- sometimes i do. when i have to... i can work {i do and like it a lot, but i'm totally worn out from being Responsible and Mature for 9 hours on end...}, i can sort out and organise {though the stress it brings is not funny...}, i can take charge... but it's not what i relish... it's not my natural Thing to Do...

men get away with that. on the whole... men are allowed to stay Boys, to some level {as long as they earn enough money...}, have silly hobbies, fritter away their time when not at work, looked after by their women... whereas women are supposed to be Mature. and i think most women believe that they ought to be, and that other women ought to be so as well... pull their weight, show the world how wonderful they are... maybe it's a hangover from times when women were deemed only useful in the kitchen and in bed, that they've carried on this need to prove how brilliant they are, how incredibly capable... collective concious and all that... whatever the reason: i've not been raised to be one of those women...

i've been raised to stay useful to my mother, who needs to feel needed. i was raised to be childish, to keep a childish perspective.... which would've been great if i was also a gifted artist, who could write wonderful books or paint brilliant pictures, and earn my keep that way, but i'm not... i'm okay. i'm not brilliant... and i have no idea how i can incorporate the way i am into Normal Life...

i've been raised to be looked after...
which would've been okay if i was a guy cos that's what women like: a guy to look after... what guy likes to look after middle-aged childish women?!!

time, might tell...
i'm off to pay some bills...


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