19 July 2015

of doubt and tattoos

{translation of my post on the Dutch blog from today, as the Google translate thingy that a friend posted on FB was rather... crude...}

for ages i've been doubting myself...
not my self-worth {anymore} cos i know by now that i'm worth the world, and i don't even feel guilty about that.
not about my abilities, cos i can do a lot, and sometimes not so much, cos i'm only human...
no, my doubts are about Love... about what a relationship is allowed to be. i've only really had one, so not a great deal to compare it too {my parents' one wasn't a great example}, and i can't see myself Playing The Field till i find what i want, so i'm dong some thinking... cos ever since i knew that being with Mr G didn't make me happy, i want to know what is possible...

in my years with Mr G i've grown to believe that wanting to be close with each other was unnatural... that asking for confirmation at times or affection was unnatural... that if you still needed these {childish} things there was something seriously wrong with you, and that you'd need help... and that he wasn't interested...

he sees himself as the ideal example of someone who doesn't need anybody else to complete him. he called me an extra dimension in his life, someone to have fun with, to talk to, be be his friend. he didn't see himself as a person who was capable of giving me emotional support, who had his own issues to work through.

i thought i did see this in him, though... to me he offered strength and support. i probably was too desperate to find someone in my life to see beyond this, to see the 'real' him; i painted him, in my mind, to be this strong, fun, intelligent man who - small miracle - liked me for who i was...  i hoped that he would find the things within himself that i needed, out of 'love' for me... i found myself trying to be who he wanted me to be, who he could live with, denied whole chunks of needs within myself so as not to annoy him... with the kids there everything changed again - i wanted to be a good mum and had to dig deep for that, and he had to work through a lot to be the father he envisaged himself to be... for us as a couple there was no energy left whatsoever...

we have actually managed to hang on in there for a long time, as parents and as friends... until i started to doubt strongly about what i wanted, in love and being together... is a relationship only Good if you don't ask anything from each other? can you only survive as a couple if you are emotionally in balance and perfectly healthy? what if you're just not there yet? what if you're still working on yourself, on those things that you've learnt as a kid that don't work, but are etched into your being like a tattoo? are you destined for loneliness because asking for support and affection is childish? what on earth can i hope for in a possible other relationship?!!

those kind of doubts... wandering through my mind...


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