23 July 2015

hiding in a tortoise shell

{running the risk of this becoming a ping-pong blog, this is a response to what Kati wrote on hers, about something i wrote here...}

if i'm totally honest with myself, i don't think i'm looking for a Knight in Shining Armour, as such... i don't want a man in my life to rescue me and look after me for the rest of my life.... as such... i'm looking for Anybody to come and rescue me, deep down... i feel petrified of living on my own, of having to deal with all that life throws at me, on my own... on the one hand... on the other, i love living life my own way, i enjoy working stuff out for myself, love having my own house without anybody moaning about how the chairs are positioned or what colour the walls are, or having a bloody bookshelf downstairs {or not actually saying these things but making sure i know their opinion when others do this...}, having two crazy, hairy cats, and playing music that i want to listen to...

as i said in my comments to Kati, i just don't want to feel lonely... cos that's what i feel like so often... even in my marriage, i felt so lonely... i felt alone, unwanted, misunderstood...

while i was growing up, i had but a few friends. i had M, who's still my friend, and C for many years, and N for a few, but anybody else thought i was weird and left me alone, or i felt betrayed by at some point, and i started to become like a tortoise - i withdrew into my own world, in my bedroom mainly, cos i felt safe there... i created my own world, where i wrote and drew and dreamt about another life, with people who loved me and admired me and thought i was great... where i listened to music and read books, and cut pictures out of magazines and wrote letters and read the ones i received... i loved it in my tortoise shell... nobody could get to me... even my mum left me alone there, most of the time...

until the urge to travel and go to England overtook my need for safety. due to the Law of Attraction {it turned out afterwards...} i found the safest, nicest family that was available at the time, and i spent almost a year living a wonderful life. i got to know lovely people, i saw beautiful parts of the country, i did stuff i never thought i would... i even almost took the plunge to go to Ireland for a year, taking an insecure job as a nanny for the family of a musician i got to know through the school i went to, but that fell through, and i went back to Holland for a bit... but the old life i had left behind was wrong, then... it felt like a prison, after the exuberance and wonderfulness i'd experienced in England. thankfully the man i'd gotten to know there was keen to have me in his life, and i went back...

life in England with him, and the family we had very soon after, felt safe, and wonderful... and i guess that's what i long for when i think back of my life there -- the sudden, unexpected, craved for feeling of wonderfulness of life, of safety, the being cared for, looked after... i guess that's what i miss about being married... i don't feel safe anymore... cos i never have done before... not really -- not deep down inside, from within myself...

and it all comes back to that... the need to feel safe... the desire to be accepted and loved... the notion that All Is Well...

it seems that my Inner Child wants to be comforted again...



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