29 April 2015

100 days, 100 words {15}

in a society that requires us to Fit In {or else} how possible is it to truly Be Yourself?

this is a question I ask myself often, as it’s something I seem to struggle with the most. when does one have a Personality Disorder {I was described as being Narcissistic by a new friend someone who only knew me from Facebook chat-sessions we've been having in the past three weeks}, and when is one Truly Themselves? when is it a problem?

maybe even writing on a blog and wondering about things like this is narcissistic already… maybe he was right…

26 April 2015

100 days, 100 words {#10, 11 & 12}

the thing that drives me mad when interacting with {new} people is the expectation that they have of you, almost immediately. I don’t know if it’s an innate human thing, that we do it out of some sort of survival instinct, or a way to make life easier, or that we’ve learnt it throughout our childhoods, cos that’s what we had happen to us as kids. whatever the reason: it’s one of the hardest things to cope with where {new} friendships are concerned, it feels.

just this week, it happened to me twice. people expected me to be something I feel I’m not – never have been, never will be. and both times I was made to feel like I was the baddie. the one that had hoodwinked them, when all that really happened was that they’d built a picture of me that turned out to be wrong, and so I was to blame…

but then again: don’t I do it too? don’t I build up pictures of people, maybe not expect stuff, but certainly hope for certain scenario’s to happen…? is hope the same as disguised expectation?

according to ex I do exactly that. I built up Expectations of him, and when he couldn't measure up, he became the baddie… and maybe he was right – I probably did that, I wanted him to be what I needed, and even when he was showing me clear signs of being the polar opposite, I stuck to my Picture of what I Hope For, and became angry with him for not fitting it… but then he had his own version – he expected me to me just like him in so many ways, not needing any comfort or affirmation from anyone else around him…

maybe we all are raised to play mind games…

22 April 2015

100 days, 100 words {8}

to let

my head feels dingy
like someone turned off the lights
and then ran off
to see if I’d cope

my head feels dull
like cotton wool has been stuffed
into every crevice and corner
or insulation foam
pushed in through my nose

my head feels sore
as if whacked by a mullet
and again
and again…

my heart feels sad
a sorrowful thud sounds quietly
somewhere in my chest

my heart feels lonely
a part of it is missing
since you went

my heart feels empty
hollow, abandoned
where once you were
there now is space

to let

{picture from dear friend S}

19 April 2015

100 days, 100 words {5}

The waiting drove me mad
You’re finally here and I’m a mess
I’ll take your entrance back
Can’t let you roam inside my head…
I don’t want to take what you can’t give
I would rather starve than eat your bread
I would rather run but I can’t walk
Guess I’ll lie alone just like before

I’ll take the vermin’s path
And I must refuse your test
Push me and I will resist
This behaviour’s not unique

{first load of words to the song Corduroy, which I feel has opened my heart, when I saw Pearl Jam live last year}

18 April 2015

100 words, 100 days {4}

today in dutch...

a recipe for caramel slices {cos i miss them so much...}

17 April 2015

100 words, 100 days {3}

She puts on her coat, and sets off for the door. It will be the last time, she's sure she’ll not come back. In one had she carries a bag, filled with clothes and some photo’s, and her diary, and a few mementoes she'd gathered over the years. In her heart is the promise of happiness. Outside awaits a taxi, bound for the airport. She knows there’s no way back. She booked a flight to get to the place she loved being so much… That country far away, that she’d dreamed of so often…

Then her alarm clock buzzes for attention...

16 April 2015

100 days, 100 words {2}

* somewhere along the south coast of GB with an ice cream, or a coffee and a caramel slice

* on a mountain side in Scotland

* walking along Lake Washington with Eddie Vedder {ha! although Just Being There would be fine with me already…}

* in Antwerp, with my friend Mo, or another sweet, inspiring friend, while we eat yummy plum cake and talk about Life and Great Music

* twenty four years ago

* being my 17 year old self, daring to follow her heart and go to art school

Or: places I’d rather be today {yes, it’s one of those days, I’m afraid…}

15 April 2015

100 days of 100 words {1}

in an attempt to blow new life into this blog, and to get myself a little more disciplined, I want to spend the next 100 days writing 100 words, every day. no more, no less. every alternate day in english, on this one, and in dutch on the other one. or maybe not quite as precise as that, maybe more days in a row in one language, wherever my head is that day, I suppose… and seen as I’m notoriously bad at sticking to things like this, it’ll be amazing if I succeed…

right, where was i…

oh yeah…