7 March 2012

left field


on my dutch blog i wrote something about my homesickness for England, which grabs hold of me at certain points in the week/month. I've tried to analyse it out of my system, reasoning that if i'm happy within myself, i can be happy anywhere, and that is probably true, but sometimes i need a quick fix. Being with Mr G is good - we can have the kind of conversations that we sorely miss with each other - but it's not always enough... Luckily we can still watch stuff on the BBC {dreading to think when our 'provider' will take Beeb1 off as well, forcing us to have the digital package they've been ramming down our throats, which - granted - will give us access to another three English channels...}, though i can remember when we still lived over there, we rarely watched it, preferring the more challenging Channel 4, but hey - you take what you can...

Some things translate wonkily from one culture to another, and humour, especially absurd ways of looking at life,  not taking it all too seriously, allowing others to have a weird, left-field way of thinking, are almost unfindable here in Holland, or at least in the part of it where we live... And i'm having quite a hard time dealing with it...

Had another run-in with my mother yesterday on the phone, and it brought up the eternal issue i have with her: she wants me to be weak and needy, a want her to love me for being strong and 'independent'... My brother happily plays that game and gets truckloads of approval, i get withering looks ('you always need to be different, make my life difficult, why can't you just play my game...') and i broke down while talking to Mr G about the phone call, and then it suddenly dawned on me - she can't  show me that she loves me (even thought i'm sure she does), she cannot show me she likes me being strong and un-dependant, as it makes her feel she's  not in control... I need to move on from my need for her approval, as i will never get it, and come to a point where i can love myself, be my own mum, as it were... Maybe then things will start to fall into place... Who knows...

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