20 February 2012

i.d. please

Something must've gone terribly wrong when i was growing up and went through the 'identification stage' of childhood...
I've read enough books on psychology to know that i should've identified with my mother, and turned into a nice little girl, but hey, my mother had 'issues', and plenty of them, and most of them were to do with girl-things, so i found myself nudging towards my father... He was much more fun, liked me, and so it was way more comfortable to do 'guy-things' than girl-things... Though i learnt a few - i can sew stuff, and i can nurture my kids {thankfully} and i do actually occasionally wear skirts - but they're few and far between... I like popmusic, i make lists/charts, i like gadgets, i {want to} know how machines work, i analyse things into oblivion, i live on my own planet, i'm pretty self-centred... For a long time i never thought of myself as a girl, which was fine, until my feminine features started to appear, and i went into denial... And a huge crisis...

And still, i have no idea how to deal with my body, most of the time...
I have no idea how to be a Woman... Most of the time...
I don't want to be a woman...
And i don't neccesarily want to be a man...
But i feel incredibly attracted to men... {him...} {and him...} {to name just a few}
And not to women...

And so my identity crisis carries on...
Into oblivion...


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